Terrible (and creepy) Tom Tuesday

I am starting a new segment for Tuesday. I work with this guy, Tom*, who has a case of the crazies. I've never met him in person (he works in a different location), but I feel like I know his soul. The creepiness is just getting started, people. He has all kinds of odd jobs including, but not limited to: custom cabinet maker, writer, photographer, Certified Lactation Counselor (say WHAT!!!). Three people he'd like to meet in order of importance: Jesus the Messiah, Alanis Morissette, C.S. Lewis. Um.... how does Alanis fit into this equation? Jesus and Alanis. Yeah, ok.

So how do I know all this? In a very random way, I happened upon his two personal websites. They have been fodder for all kinds of jokes and distractions at work. Not until a week ago did I realize I was sitting on a blogging gold mine. This guy is going to give me enough material for months to come. Disclaimer: Since this guy is technically my co-worker and we work in a highly regulated industry, I'm not going to share his website URLs, his last name, or his pictures. He's already put them all out there, but I have no idea what I could possibly get in trouble for.

The following are just a few excerpts from his blog detailing his search for a wife. Read and discuss amongst yourselves. I'm pretty sure most of us wouldn't meet his qualifications, and I'm sure you're all super disappointed.

My name is [Tom], and I am looking for a wife.

I am looking for a woman who is others-centered, who has rejected selfishness on the worldview level of her heart. (Guess I'm not making the cut. Dammit!) Being self- absorbed kills relationships. Life and love do not work right if we're focused on our own desires more than on others'. I am striving to live for those around me, and I'm looking for a woman who lives the same way.

I believe that chivalry is an act of worship. God designed men to treat women with dignity as a way to honor Him, so I will increasingly view you and treat you as a precious treasure entrusted to me by the Lord. I am willing to die for you (who said anything about dying? Was that in my vows?) and, just as important, to live for you. A woman deserves to be treated with courtesy, honor, gentleness, sensitivity, compassion, and love by her man, which is a large part of what chivalry and Biblical manhood are about.

I believe men should be masculine and chivalrous and women should be feminine and ladylike. I’m looking for someone who agrees, and who has a truly feminine heart and life. Femininity is womanly elegance and tenderness. It is a refined mixture of being delicate, elegant, noble, stunning, sometimes flirtatious, sometimes erotic (Oh Tommy! You bad boy, you!), sometimes motherly, sometimes submissive (Excuse me?!!?), always displaying impeccable manners and taste (so, is belching considered bad manners?), and always pursuing and displaying beauty and kindness.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Until next Tuesday...